it's gray
and cold today. i woke up at four am unable to go back to sleep, so i got up and
made coffee. i sat and
drank coffee and gazed outside the window, watching the dark and listening to
the silence.
oh, and i cried. i cried for about 30 minutes
off and on. i don't really know why. i felt this overwhelming sadness wash over
me. it happens
sometimes. maybe it is accumulated stress , maybe it is the gray day, maybe it
is the weariness and weight of the worlds problems.....or it could just be
hormones.
do men do
this,or is it a female thing? crying for
no obvious reason.
whatever
the reason, it is a release. a release of all the accumulated crap that resides
inside us. i feel like poisonous toxins leak out each time i cry. i feel a
little cleaner and lighter afterwards.
i prefer it
to happen when i am alone so i don't have to be concerned with anyone else
trying to comfort me,or fix it.
sometimes
i crave a solitude, even when there is a little taste of loneliness to it. i am
allowing myself to feel this bit of loneliness and be okay with it. i am
allowing myself to let whatever feelings come up, to exist, and have a life of
their own. if i feel sadness i will cry and be tender with myself.it okay
to let this stuff out sometimes. i don't always have to be strong. the last
few years i have been changing. i feel myself growing more of a solitary
creature. i don't know if it's good or bad or if it is even important to label
such self discoveries. i try
not to sit in judgement of myself any longer. i try to just quietly observe and
accept my so called failings , my imperfections, my humanness.
in my
twenties i was so hard on myself so often. i always had to be perfecting,
examining, picking apart my body , my psyche , my motives. i still slip into it
sometimes , but the difference is that now i catch myself sooner. i take a step
back and say "whoa" where did that come from? and then simply let it
go....
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