Human becoming

it's gray and cold today. i woke up at four am unable to go back to sleep, so i got up and made coffee. i sat and drank coffee and gazed outside the window, watching the dark and listening to the silence.

oh, and i cried. i cried for about 30 minutes off and on. i don't really know why. i felt this overwhelming sadness wash over me. it happens sometimes. maybe it is accumulated stress , maybe it is the gray day, maybe it is the weariness and weight of the worlds problems.....or it could just be hormones.

do men do this,or is it a female thing? crying for no obvious reason.

whatever the reason, it is a release. a release of all the accumulated crap that resides inside us. i feel like poisonous toxins leak out each time i cry. i feel a little cleaner and lighter afterwards.

i prefer it to happen when i am alone so i don't have to be concerned with anyone else trying to comfort me,or fix it.

sometimes i crave a solitude, even when there is a little taste of loneliness to it. i am allowing myself to feel this bit of loneliness and be okay with it. i am allowing myself to let whatever feelings come up, to exist, and have a life of their own. if i feel sadness i will cry and be tender with myself.it okay to let this stuff out sometimes. i don't always have to be strong. the last few years i have been changing. i feel myself growing more of a solitary creature. i don't know if it's good or bad or if it is even important to label such self discoveries. i try not to sit in judgement of myself any longer. i try to just quietly observe and accept my so called failings , my imperfections, my humanness.

in my twenties i was so hard on myself so often. i always had to be perfecting, examining, picking apart my body , my psyche , my motives. i still slip into it sometimes , but the difference is that now i catch myself sooner. i take a step back and say "whoa" where did that come from? and then simply let it go....

growing into a "human becoming", isn't easy work ,but it is all we really have 

Brainless  action, deluded distractions

add complexed  substractions and unworkable fractions

an over reaction to a one way transaction

Wrong vs Right Decisions

Last year on this day I had another life-changing experience and I am still struggling with the ramifications of another's betrayal, still working to trust. I don’t know if I will come out of this experience intact as a person whole. How does one place this puzzle back together? How do you move forward if you aren’t even certain that moving forward is what you want and what should happen or rather you know that it is certainly what should happen but it is just that I am confused? How does one even decide to contemplate making a choice when you have left with no choice? Was I allowed choice? Instead, I’m stalled out like a car on the side of the freeway, just sitting on the exit ramp, holding a discourse alone in my head. The outcome of the conversation in my head was that I don’t believe that the decisions we make are always wrong vs right. They just are. We make them and it’s not necessarily always better, just different. It is what it is and you pull yourself up and keep on going.  Decisions don't always put life into perspective or improve our lives, they just frame life a bit differently than before; as always, though, life keeps moving and we do our best to keep up. It just was. Am I happier now that ex-Beloved and I broke up? I'm happy that a decision was finally made (he did what he felt he had to do), but it seems that every time we talk, whether it's online or in person, he needs to justify his decision to end our relationship. He keeps saying, "I know I made the right decision" and “ this was inevitable” and “ there were no promises of love and commitment". Then what was it? I cant make my decisions anymore. I am decision less.

The journey of relationship

The Beginning -  Two strangers meet, get attracted , getting to know each other period begins and forever smile is your permanent expression for the time period.

Fun period – getting bitten and smitten by the love bug and one gets under its spell oblivious to anything . Parties, movies, lunches, dinners, romance, kisses & hugs, lazy Weekends, picnics, trekking, travlling, walk on the beach hand in hand , ride through the sun-set and sun rise…Just the best moments on can ever have.

Painful period – Fights, doubts, possessiveness, lies, cheatings, social interventions. He trying to get away from the fear of his soul getting eaten by his girl and she fails in trying to stop herself from eating his soul

The end – While one person grapples from falling out of love while the other person is blissfully enjoying the pursuit of  falling in love with the new lover and the new beginning.

I dream of a man who is......

My wish list of the requirement of my dream man. The list is rather long..or is it?

1. He should be kind.

2. He should be humorous - make me laugh & laugh with me.

3. He should be down-to-earth, not a snotty old creep who cant walk without a 15K cellphone in his pocket. what i mean is that he can be a multimillionaire, rather i wish he is filthy rich but humble by nature and not arrogant.

4. He should be passionate about life. He shud love to explore food and places and is ready to venture into new hobbies 

5. He should be very passionate, about me, about us, about his dreams.

6. He must wear spectacles (they make a guy look so so hot !!)

7. He should love and respect his family.

8. He should help me with household chores.

9. He should know how to find happiness in the smallest things in life, not in gizmos, money & brands.

10. Basically a complete MAN not a BOY.

I have WON

I have won. I have won the battle with the SELF. I have honored the beauty of my BEING. I have done it.

By acknowledging it to me, by seeing that there was another way. I have been brave and courageous and I still persisted. I worked at this thing of KNOWING myself until I was tired, so very tired, until I gave it all away.

And then I ALLOWED for a NEW WAY to enter my BEING.I allowed my hopes, my dreams, my prayers to assist me once again, I acknowledged that that I didn’t know it all and that I needed to work co-creatively and if I allowed myself to LISTEN with my heart, with my soul and I found the path back to LOVING. Loving all things about myself.

I look in wonder at how far I’ve come and how much I have grown and blossomed.

This to shall pass

Everyone consoles me saying that don't worry, Be strong. This to shall pass.

But when?

When can i start pretending that I'm happy?
When can i start living my life the way i want ?
When can i start being myself again?
When can i start believing in optimism?

I seem to have been moving on but haven't left the past entirely.

Let me say what i want to say even if you don't know what I'm talking about. Let me say it hurts to consciously lose yourself in the mundane routines of life when your life could have been so much than mundane. It hurts to live each day thinking of a tomorrow that's no better.

You may not know what it feels like to look at the world and think where you fit in it because the space you occupied no longer exists. I will tell u it feels lonely. It feels lonely to have nobody with you to dream the things that u have dream't of , or to tell you they will come true.There is no solace in knowing it could have been different if somebody wanted it to be.

I can wipe others tears but i can no longer cry. How do you cry for what you can never have? The heart, it weeps. But the eyes can only stare in empty silence. And there isn't even a future to look at.